


Make Up Your Mind Before You Kiss Me, You Twat

by AM505



Series: Abandon You (I Wish I Could) [5]
Category: Misfits (TV 2009)
Genre: Alisha touches Simon, Angst and Feels, Biting, Blood and gore kink, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, But only as kink, Canon-Typical Violence, Dark, Dark Fantasy, Explicit Language, Haha sort of, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Future Simon, Minor Violence, Misuse of powers, Nathan doesn't die this time, Necrophilia, Poor Simon doesn't know what he is saying, Simon chooses Nathan, Threats of Violence, mud wrestling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28770336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AM505/pseuds/AM505
Summary: Then, as he falls under her spell, he is taken completely over by a voice that doesn’t sound like his own:“You wanna know what I really want, you little slut?”Alisha whimpers at the intensity in his voice, startles and takes a step back. She doesn’t let go, however. She waits for him to speak his truth.“I want to fuck his dead body!”Simon practically roars as he presses both palms to her face, forcing her to look at him. Alisha barely manages to stop herself from screaming.“I want to draw his blood and piss on his nipples. I want to cum down his throat until it drowns him. I want to wring his neck with my bare hands…”“What the fuck! Simon, stop! Let me go!”Alisha cries frantically, refusing to believe what she’s hearing.“What’s wrong with you? Stop it!”Or, Alisha's date with Simon doesn't go to plan.
Relationships: Simon Bellamy & Alisha Daniels, Simon Bellamy/Nathan Young
Series: Abandon You (I Wish I Could) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1993498
Comments: 21
Kudos: 38





	1. Meant To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!  
> Hope everyone is doing well! I'm hoping to be able to update more regularly again, so here we go! 
> 
> I feel like I should apologise to anyone who ships Simon/Alisha, because I'm not sure how well the pairing comes off in this fic. I'm probably not very good at writing them. I have to admit I was never a fan of Future Simon and the whole plot twist that followed, so this is probably going to be very different! After all, it's going to focus completely on Nathan/Simon. Just wanted to make that clear. :)
> 
> I'll also throw in a little warning here for explicit/graphic language!

Alisha wears a beautiful green dress to the restaurant. Simon almost can’t believe his own eyes when he sees her. He wishes he’d worn something more special than his blue jeans and dark-green polo shirt. He wishes he’d put in just half the effort she has. She’s painted her nails and done her make-up gorgeously. She was the one who chose the place after reading a good review. She’s the one who finds them a nice table in the corner, which offers a lot more privacy than the window table Simon had his eyes on. 

“Alisha, you look... Stunning. Wow.” Simon smiles awkwardly as they both look through the menus together. “I’m sorry. I should have worn a tie.”

“Don’t be silly, Simon. You look great,” she tells him politely.

She had asked him to wear something nice. Something his future self would wear.

“I, uh - I guess I don’t really know how Future-me dresses,” he jokes, trying hard to make himself feel at ease.

She smiles at him without saying anything.

“D-do you like wine?” He stutters then, hoping to make a nice gesture. “I could get us a bottle. If you like.”

Alisha raises her eyebrow at him, leans in across the table to whisper:

“It’s okay. It’s kind of pricey. You don’t have to.”

“N-no, it’s fine,” Simon insists. “Please. Choose anything you want. It’s on me.”

The minute Alisha glances at the white wine section and the conversation comes to a hold, Simon’s mind immediately goes back to last night. Goes back to Nathan.

_Pick up or I’ll show up at ur door u twat._

Simon had tried to ignore the stubborn buzzing in his pocket. He had practically run all the way home with Nathan calling him constantly. Simon hadn’t dared answering, hadn’t dared look over his shoulder in case he was being chased. It was only when the other boy threatened through text messages that he would make a scene in front of his parents that Simon gave up and decided to face the music.

“I don’t know if I want white wine,” says Alisha with consideration. “Do you like rosé?”

 _Don’t love it,_ Simon thinks to himself.

“Sure,” he agrees simply. “Rosé is good.”

“Thanks, Si. See? You’re becoming more him already.”

“Him?” Simon swallows, feeling confused. “Oh. You mean, Future-me.”

Alisha grins at him.

“Look, I know this must be weird for you. But trust me, Future-you is a happy guy. You’re more… confident. You’re so different and… charming.”

“Right.” Simon forces another smile, catches the dreamy look on Alisha’s face. “But… how exactly do I become those things? How does it happen?”

Alisha pushes her hand forward across the table. Simon doesn’t touch her, but places his hand next to hers.

“It starts with us getting together.” Alisha sips her water, pauses. “Maybe the rest will come naturally to you. I mean, we know it’s meant to be.”

Simon gulps, the same way he gulped while begging Nathan through at least a dozen messages last night.

 _There is a recreation ground just at the bottom of my street. I’ll meet you there. Just don’t ring the door._

_Please, Nathan._

_I promise I’ll come out. But I want to talk in private._

It had been raining. Simon was already soaking wet from running back from the community centre. He’d put his jacket back on, though it was very little use to him, and snuck out the front door without his parents hearing. He’d sighed with relief upon seeing Nathan wasn’t waiting to ambush him at the doorstep.

“What can I get for the lovely couple?”

The waiter comes over and takes their order. Simon orders the rosé Alisha has picked out for them. Apparently it goes well with a salmon salad. Simon tells the waiter he’ll have what she’s having, because he trusts Alisha’s taste. He accidentally sneezes into his sleeve just as the waiter collects their menus.

“Bless you.” Alisha studies him with concern. “Are you getting sick?”

“No, no. I’m fine.” Simon tries to cover his sniffling. “I just got caught in the rain last night. I’m a little chilly, that’s all.”

 _“Hey, wanker!”_ Nathan had showed up at the recreation ground, all ready to fight him. _“Mind telling me what the FUCK that was all about?”_

Simon knew there was no point in feigning innocence. Even if he hadn’t been visibly seen, he’d still been caught. Nathan knew he was the one spying on him and his date for the evening. 

It could _only_ be him. There was no other Invisible Cunt with voyeuristic tendencies to blame this on. 

_“It’s not what it looks like, Nathan. I didn’t know… I didn’t mean to…”_

_“To what? Stalk me? Keep track of me? Watch me getting nailed to the wall? Spunk all over my floor? Who do you think will have to clean that up, asswipe?”_

_“Nathan, I’m sorry.”_

_“You’re sorry?”_ Nathan was all up in his face at that point. _“How DARE you! You spoiled the only enjoyable evening I’ve had in months! That guy I was with, yeah? He was hot! And he was funny, and kind, and did I mention HOW fucking hot he was? AND he was a well good kisser! AND he had the most wonderf… no, you know what, I’m not gonna tell you about his dick. You already know, because you CLEARLY enjoyed the show, you sick freak!”_

Simon couldn’t even argue with him. All he could do was whimper pathetically while Nathan listed the facts. 

_“I’m sorry! I didn’t know I was spoiling your evening! I didn’t know you liked him.”_

_“What is your problem? You have NO right! Why the fuck did you think you could get away with watching us?”_

_“Look, Nathan, I didn’t realise it was a date! I thought - I thought he was just another client…”_

_“Just another CLIENT?”_ Nathan had paused the second he realised. _“What, you mean you’ve been watching me with CLIENTS, too? Exactly how many times have you spied on me, you dick?”_

Alisha looks up when the waiter returns and pours the rosé wine. They take a sip together while they’re still waiting on their food.

“Oh gosh, Simon, that’s lovely.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s great,” he agrees like a robot. “So… refreshing.”

In reality he thinks the wine is too sweet.

“Nice and fruity,” Alisha nods. After a brief moment, she adds: “Thanks again. You know, for doing this and for making time.”

“Of course,” he replies. “Not a problem at all.”

“It sounds silly, but… I was kinda nervous you would bail on me tonight.”

“Bail on you?” Simon pretends he’s never heard such a crazy notion. “Why on earth would I bail on you, Alisha?”

Even with the cold rain beating into his eyes, Nathan’s devastated face had been the only thing Simon could concentrate on. It had nearly crushed him on the spot.

_“You can’t do this to me, you know. You can’t just be all heroic and nice one moment, and kill the fat bastard that cut my throat, only to then HUMILIATE and USE me…”_

_“I never meant to do any of that, Nathan. I only wanted to be with you…”_

_“BE with me? If you truly want to be with someone, you don’t lurk on them! You don’t turn invisible on them, or take pictures when they sleep, OR watch them fuck someone else just so you can have something to wank yourself off to!”_

_“It wasn’t just a wank, Nathan… It was so much more than that.”_

_“More? Christ, what else did you do?”_

_“No, I mean… It meant more than that. You’re more than just - I don’t just think of you as my fetish. I - I think about you in so many other ways.”_

_“Oh yuck, now you’re REALLY starting to creep me out!”_

Alisha shrugs her shoulders, appears to choose her words carefully:

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Si. It’s just - you’re still miles away from being your future self. It’s a long way to go and at the moment, I can’t tell if you are even headed in that direction.”

“What? Where else would I be headed?” Simon looks at her stupidly. “What do you mean?”

_“You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you?”_

_“Nathan, please stop shouting…”_

_“I can see it in those beady, little eyes of yours! You’re keeping all sorts of secrets, and yet you expect me to trust you!”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry for expecting just a little credit! How many favours have you asked of me? I did every single one of them! I do everything you ask me!”_

_“Okay then, if that’s the case, why don’t you do me one more favour and hand me your phone?”_

_“What?”_

_“Come on. You say you have nothing to hide. Let me see your phone!”_

_“No! Not in a million years!”_

_“I’m not a fucking idiot, Barry - I know you have something on it you don’t want me to see.”_

Alisha tries one more time:

“It’s just that we don’t spend a lot of time together. I kind of thought we would be seeing more of each other by now.”

“But we see each other every day.”

“At the community centre.” She pulls a face. “You and I are never together alone. Without the others.”

“Oh.” Simon guesses he can’t really prove her wrong on that one. “Would you like that? For us to spend more time with each other?”

She looks at him deliberately as she says:

“I would like for _you_ to want that.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I want you to want me, Simon. You’re supposed to want to spend time with me. You’re supposed to miss me when I’m not there. I’m supposed to be your everything.”

_“Give it! Give me your fucking phone, you virgin!”_

He and Nathan had started wrestling each other in a heated race to secure the stupid thing. While Simon lifted it high above his head, desperately trying to keep it as far away from the other boy as possible, Nathan used his superior height to reach it and almost snatch it out of his hand. Simon realised his only option was to take him down by strength. 

_“Let it go, Nathan!”_ He had angrily pushed against the skinny, slender boy. _“Just back off!”_

_“I’ve got you all figured out, you twat! I know you’re lying to me!”_

_“Let go or I’ll throw you to the ground!”_

_“Ha! I’d like to see you try, amigo!”_

In the end, they’d both slipped on the wet ground before anyone could take the other down. Simon had landed on all fours while Nathan fell on his arse. They were back at it again before either of them were given a moment to recover.

 _“Jesus!”_ Simon grunted as Nathan jumped on him relentlessly. _“Get off me, you jerk!”_

 _“Not until you show me what’s on there!”_

Nathan had pushed his hand against Simon’s chest in an attempt to topple him over, but Simon had steadied himself by wrapping his arm around the other’s neck.

_“Quit it, Nathan! For fuck’s sake, stop kicking me! Calm down!”_

_“Nah! Thanks to YOU, you little wanker, I’m all fired up! My date was so freaked out, we didn’t even finish! I can keep going all night if I have to!”_

Only a moment later, though, Simon managed to block his kicking and bring him down by the neck. As soon as Nathan’s back was pressing into the ground, Simon twisted his arm and jumped on top of him. 

_“Ow! You son of a-”_

_“Stop it! I’ll let you go, but you have to stop kicking!”_

Nathan was covered in mud by then. It was caked in his curls, drying on his face and neck. Simon was certain they’d both ruined their clothes. For a moment, he looked down at Nathan and thought twice about what he was doing. Even though he’d jumped on him first, there was no way that it was okay for him to actually pin him down in the rain like this.

Then Nathan had tried to knee him in the groin, and Simon had only managed to dodge by dismounting him. Nathan quickly seized his opportunity to press against his shoulders and roll them both over. Stradling Simon, he couldn’t resist cracking a joke just to annoy him.

_“Imagine if Alisha and Kelly saw us like this.”_

_“For crying out loud, Nathan…”_

_“They’d be so turned on right now.”_

_“Get off!”_

Simon had accidentally elbowed him in the face. Nathan fell off him. They kept rolling around at first, tirelessly trying to regain dominance. At some point Simon just stopped fighting him, gave up on throwing him down, but reached for the collar of Nathan’s jacket and simply pressed their lips together. He was all dizzy from feeling Nathan’s hot breath against his skin. His lips tasted of the rain. If this was the last time Nathan would ever let him near him, Simon knew he didn’t want to waste his only chance.

 _“No! Don’t-”_

Nathan had tried to push him back, but Simon clung to him.

_“I don’t want to fight you, Nathan!”_

But Nathan broke apart from him, not returning the kiss.

_“You don’t get to do this, you master manipulator! I know you’re with Alisha.”_

_“I’m not with her.”_

_“I know about your date tomorrow, you dick!”_

_“That was her idea! I don’t even know if I want to be with her.”_

_“What do you mean you don’t know?”_

_“I - I haven’t made up my mind yet! Nathan, please...”_

“Do you like me, Simon?”

Alisha’s gaze is tense, yet hopeful. She watches him so closely at this point, it’s getting harder for him to breathe evenly, without giving himself away. 

“Of course I like you.”

“I’m not sure I believe you.”

“What?”

“Your future self, he had this way of looking at me. I could see it in his eyes. I could see how much he cared for me.”

“Alisha, I’m not him. I mean, at least not yet. You have to give me some time.”

Nathan’s voice chimes in his head:

_“Why don’t you make up your mind before you kiss me, you twat!”_

“Well, how much time do you need?” Alisha sighs. 

She looks worried that she may be losing him. 

“I don’t know,” Simon feels short of breath. He can feel the pressure she’s putting on him like a massive weight on his shoulders. He doesn’t have the answers she’s looking for. He doesn’t know what he can possibly give her. “I’m working on it. I promise you, Alisha, I’m trying my best to become the person I’m supposed to be.”

_What if this is the only person you’ll ever be?_

_What if this is who you really are?_

Simon clutches at his head, trying to ignore the voices offering him free will of his own destiny. Because Alisha has seen into the future. His future. It’s so much easier for her to just tell him who he’s meant to be at heart.

*

“Do you want me to walk you home?” 

They’re leaving the restaurant having spent most of the time eating in silence. Alisha had tried one too many times to dig deeper, hoping Simon would let her in on his private thoughts. Simon had reacted the way he always does and had clammed up. It feels like a self-preservation thing. He doesn’t really want Alisha to know what’s going on inside. He doesn’t want her to see the ugliness he carries. After all, she still believes he holds the ability to turn into something better and more beautiful.

“Just like that, huh? The evening is over?”

She doesn’t sound pleased with him. Clearly it hasn’t gone to plan. _Her_ plan.

“Oh. Would you rather grab another drink?”

Simon doesn’t want the evening to continue. He already feels that his awkwardness has reached its limits, stretched thin by his own pretense. 

“Would _you_ like that?” She challenges him. “Would you like to keep talking? Do you have anything to add?”

He swallows uncomfortably. There it is again. That hopeful, anxious tone in her voice.

“Alisha, I told you. I still need time to think it over.”

“Think what over? Us?”

“Look, it’s all very new to me. I’m sure you were also confused at first. When you found out about us.”

“Yeah, I was. But when I had my doubts, Future-you convinced me. He showed me how good it would be. He showed me how perfect we are for each other.”

“How? What exactly did he show you?”

Simon doesn’t notice the way Alisha steps closer and eyes him intently. 

“Why are you holding back from me, Simon? Why can’t you just tell me what you want? I need you to tell me how you really feel.”

Alisha has her eyes on his wrist where the sleeve is folded back, exposing his skin.

“Alisha, I told you. I - I don’t know what I want.”

“I think you do. You’re just not being honest with me.”

“Honest? But I’m…”

He’s cut off by Alisha’s touching him. It happens so suddenly, her hand squeezing around his wrist, Simon feels an invisible force taking over his whole body. His head is thrown back as he lets out a strangled gasp. 

She’s hurting him.

Then, as he falls under her spell, he is taken completely over by a voice that doesn’t sound like his own:

**“You wanna know what I really want, you little slut?”**

Alisha whimpers at the intensity in his voice, startles and takes a step back. She doesn’t let go, however. She waits for him to speak his truth. 

**“I want to fuck his dead body!”** Simon practically roars as he presses both palms to her face, forcing her to look at him. Alisha barely manages to stop herself from screaming. **“I want to draw his blood and piss on his nipples. I want to cum down his throat until it drowns him. I want to wring his neck with my bare hands…”**

“What the fuck! Simon, stop! Let me go!” Alisha cries frantically, refusing to believe what she’s hearing. “What’s wrong with you? Stop it!”

But he’s still holding her face closely, staring into her eyes like a madman.

**“I want to hang him by the neck. I want to stab him and fuck the wound. I want to cut out his beating heart and eat it!”**

This time, she shakes her head furiously, trying to break free.

“Who the fuck are you talking about, you lunatic?” She groans as her eyes fill with tears. “What the fuck is happening?”

He is supposed to declare his desire for her. He’s supposed to kiss her and rip her clothes off. Anything but this.

**“I want to fuck him so hard he dies happily on my dick. I want to fuck the breath out of his lungs…”**

“No!” She sobs beggingly. “STOP! Simon, please… You’re scaring me.”

**“I want to drain the blood from his heart and use it as lube…”**

“No! Shut up! SHUT UP!”

**“I want to etch my name in his skin with a knife…”**

“Oh god, please…”

**“I want to stick my tongue so far up Nathan’s arse he wets his cute, little pants…”**

“W-wait...” Alisha releases a shaky breath. “What did you just say? You’re talking about Nathan?”

Simon is about to continue his rant when she finally manages to pry his hands off her and forces him back with a slap to his cheek. Once the physical contact is broken, Simon snaps out of it and falls to his knees, hissing at the sudden pain.

“You stay the FUCK away from me, you psycho!” 

He doesn’t even realise what’s happened. 

“Did… d-did you just use your power on me? Alisha, what the fuck…”

“Fuck you, Simon!”

“Wait, what did I say?”

“We are NEVER getting together! I can’t believe I actually thought you could be _him._ You’re nothing like him! Don’t touch me!”

“But I…”

“Don’t ever speak to me again! You disgust me!”

She wraps her arms around herself and runs like her life depends on it. He remains on his knees for a moment, too weak to stand up. It occurs to him that this could work in his favour, although he knows what Alisha is like. 

Whatever her power has forced out of him, it’s highly unlikely she will keep it to herself.


	2. I'm Not Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again lovelies!
> 
> Thanks again for the feedback I've had <3 I really enjoy it!
> 
> This chapter contains very light violence, but other than that we should be good to go. :)

Kelly has persuaded Nathan to meet her for a drink at the pub.

She’s surprised he still hasn’t made up with Simon and she honestly doesn’t like the idea of him spending all this time on his own. She knows Nathan has a habit of giving the appearance of being unaffected, and of not taking things to heart. She also knows, however, that he’s scarred. And not just from his countless tragic deaths, which resulted in him being buried alive that one time. Nathan doesn’t open up to people very often. Whether it stems from his father walking out or his mother choosing her new boyfriend over him, she can’t be sure. All she knows is that when he does get close to someone, he uses his god-awful sense of humour to test their persistence, like it’s so hard for him to believe that anyone could care enough to put up with him.

“Tell me the truth, yeah? What’s up with you and Simon? He saved your life and you’re being a total prick to him.”

She’s brought him outside for a smoke, but Nathan merely watches her, sticking to the beer in his hand. 

“First of all,” sounds the wound-up reply that she is already expecting, “he didn’t actually save my life, did he? I died. I bled out. I remember very distinctively, Kel, choking on my own blood and all…”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I know you died, I just meant… He made sure it won’t happen again. In that sense, he did save ya.”

“Fine,” caves Nathan, sounding annoyed. “He killed my killer _after_ my throat was sliced in half. What do you know? Barry’s a hero! But here’s where you’re wrong-”

“Oh, here we go,” sighs Kelly, taking a drag as to prepare herself. 

“Would an actual hero force you back to his place and make you sleep in his bed…”

“Nathan, he was offering ya a place to stay.”

“Let me finish. Would an actual hero wait for you to fall asleep, in his bed, so he can take secret pictures of you when you’ve let your guard down and you’re all trusting him and stuff? _And_ would an actual hero then go on to lie about the picture, even when you find it and hold the physical evidence in your hand…”

“Wait, you’ve lost me,” Kelly exhales coolly. “What pictures are you talkin’ about?”

“Barry took a picture. Of me. Sleeping. In his bed.” Nathan pauses, awaits her outrage. “It was a big close-up of my face. Which means he must have been leaning over me and shit…”

“So, that’s it? That’s why you’re not speaking? He took a picture of you?” She gives him a deadpan look. “I don’t see what the fucking issue is.”

“You’re kidding me, right? You don’t see how creepy that is? Oh, and guess what, I found the picture the next morning, and he couldn’t even tell me why he’d taken it!”

“He was probably just embarrassed that you’d found it, Nathan. Come on. You know Simon. He films everything all the time. That’s just what he does.” 

“This is different than filming the fucking swans at the lake! Besides, I didn’t actually think he was documenting people, specifically us, or what we all look like in our sleep...”

“But seriously,” Kelly interrupts casually, “that’s it? That’s all he did? It sounds pretty innocent.”

“Innocent?” Nathan repeats the word mockingly. “Nothing about Barry is innocent, okay? Anyway, if you must know, that’s not all he’s done...”

Kelly’s phone goes off before Nathan can tell her about the horrible experience of Barry ejaculating on his floor.

“Yeah? Alisha? Slow down, mate, you’re not making any sense.”

Nathan rolls his eyes. The last person he wants to think about right now is Alisha. She’s having dinner with Barry. What is she disturbing them for? Not everything’s about her. 

“He did what?”

He? Nathan straightens his back, watches Kelly’s expression. 

“What? Why would he say that?”

Okay, maybe Nathan cares a little bit. They’re talking about Barry. Trust Barry to fuck up the first date he’s ever been on.

Fucking virgin.

“Alisha, it’s going to be okay. You should come meet us so we can talk. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Nathan groans audibly, hoping Alisha will hear it.

“What are we now?” He gripes. “A club of sad Barry-rejects? Tell her not to come and spoil our evening!”

Kelly punches his arm hard, after which she hangs up the phone. 

“Fuck,” she utters, sounding more serious than Nathan would have expected. “It sounds like something’s gone wrong with Simon. She’s all freaked out.”

“What did the little virgin do? Expose his hairless body to her?”

Kelly glares at him before she throws her cigarette into his half-full glass.

“Hey! I was drinking that!”

“You need to learn when to shut up!” She waves a finger in his face warningly. “Alright, come with me. Alisha’s on her way.”

*

Simon is still shivering from the intrusion of Alisha’s power. He feels shattered and heart-broken at her treachery, and at the thought of her forcing him to become passionately obsessed against his will. Because that’s what her power does. He’s felt it before and he’s seen her use it on other men. He knows perfectly well how it tricks you into begging on your hands and knees for her until you’re convinced you’ll die if she refuses you. He walks solemnly to the nearest bus stop, hands in his pocket, feeling like he’s never going to trust another human being to touch him again. 

This is not how he’d imagined the night would end. Deep down, he’d hoped he’d be going home alone. He just hadn’t expected the total loss of control. He hadn’t expected Alisha to ask for his heart and then deceive him. Nor had he expected the shame that followed by her fleeing from him, like some kind of monster. 

It makes him feel he’s ruined his chances of ever becoming something more than this. A real person. Someone normal and desirable. Someone less intense, someone who can communicate his needs eloquently instead of constantly freaking people out. If Alisha has abandoned her belief that something better awaits him, who’s ever going to trust that a better version of him could exist? 

After a while, he sees his bus approaching before it stops by the traffic lights. He can’t wait to go home and hide his face in his pillow. He stands up and holds his hand out when his phone suddenly vibrates.

It’s a text from Kelly.

_Mate u better come down to the pub now._

Then another one:

_U need to straighten things out with A. She’s like hysterical or something._

Simon feels his mouth go dry and his first instinct is to simply ignore the messages. Kelly can’t force him to do anything. Showing his face will only agitate Alisha further. He’s not ready to be yelled at or slapped again. 

So he gets on the bus, pays for his ticket, sits down in the back and tries to forget everything.

Then Kelly reaches out to him again:

_Just tell her u didn’t mean it. Before she tells Nathan what u said._

The breath instantly hitches in his throat. Is Nathan with them? What is she getting him involved for? Why would she tell Nathan the creepy, lustful, possessive things he must have said to her when she wouldn’t even repeat it back to him?

This is bad.

Simon can’t let her turn Nathan against him even worse than he already is.

He presses the button and gets off the bus at the very next stop.

*

“No!”

Alisha objects loudly when he walks in. Kelly is sitting beside her, holding her shoulder where the coat covers her skin.

“What is he doing here? Kelly, what did you do?”

Simon feels his cheeks burning with embarrassment. He’s about to turn around and walk out again when Kelly nods at him, signals for him to come closer.

“You two need to sort this out! Alisha, you can’t just use your power on him and blame him for what comes out! He couldn’t help it!”

Simon feels his heart jump in his throat. They can’t be talking about this all three of them. He feels humiliated. He’s certain Alisha will take this opportunity to tear into him once more.

“I’m GLAD I used my power on him,” growls Alisha in response. “I’ve dodged a bullet! He’s revealed to me exactly what a psycho he is!”

“Al-lisha, please,” stammers Simon, approaching the table nervously. “I don’t even know what I said. It d-didn’t come from me…”

“Is that so?” She scowls at him and tilts her head meanly. “It was oddly specific considering it didn’t come from you. It was like nothing I’ve ever heard.”

“What did I say?”

Kelly gives him a significant look.

“I don’t think we need to repeat what was said.”

“No, it’s okay.” Simon can feel his hands shaking, but he knows he can’t defuse the situation if he’s not informed. “Tell me. What did I say? How bad was it?”

He’s unaware of Nathan returning from the bar and coming up to them from behind. Even though he catches Alisha looking somewhere behind his shoulder, he doesn’t think to stop her from dropping the bomb.

“I don’t know, Simon. You were telling me how you wanted to have sex with Nathan’s corpse and rip his heart out and eat it. So tell me, how bad would you say it is?”

Simon feels as if all blood has drained from his face. He’s speechless. He wants to believe Alisha is taking the piss. If her face wasn’t all furious and hateful, perhaps he could believe for a second that it’s all an evil prank.

“He said WHAT?”

Simon startles at the high-pitched cry coming from behind him. He turns around in time to see Nathan’s jaw dropping with shock.

“Nathan, wait. I didn’t know what I was saying. I didn’t mean it…”

“Oh sure you did, Si!” Alisha stands up and points her finger at him. “You meant every fucking word, didn’t you? I should have known you were obsessed with him!”

“Alisha, come on,” Kelly tries to stop her, but to no avail.

“You said you wanted to fuck him to death, and use his blood as lube, and hang him by the neck…”

“Alisha, stop,” Kelly begs.

“...and you wanted to piss on him, and cut him and fuck the wound, and what was it? Oh, yeah. You wanted to stick your tongue up his arse and make him wet himself!”

“What the _fuck?_ ” Nathan nearly drops his pint.

Simon feels so stressed he might faint.

“Alisha,” he gasps desperately, “that wasn’t me talking! You know you manipulated me with your power!”

“No, Simon, you manipulated me! You were supposed to tell me you wanted me! You weren’t supposed to lust after him! How did you manage to resist my power?”

“I - I don’t know! I don’t remember any of it. You shouldn’t have touched me without asking, Alisha!”

“Oh yeah, it sucks to have someone using their power on you, doesn’t it? You must feel MASSIVELY betrayed!” Nathan rolls his eyes at him sarcastically and Simon feels incredibly attacked on all fronts.

“Stay out of this, you arsehole!” Alisha pouts at Nathan. “This is all your fault!”

“My fault?” Nathan laughs mockingly. “How is this MY fault? You think I want his tongue in my arse? I don’t know where it’s been!”

Simon hides his forehead in his palm, trying hard to take a deep breath. 

“You did this to him! You’ve ruined and corrupted him!” Alisha sounds like she’s about to cry. “Future-Simon, MY Simon, would never talk like that! And now he will never exist because of you!”

“I’m not ruined!” Protests Simon, though no one seems to listen to him. “That’s not me! I didn’t mean it! I would never do any of those things!” 

“Sure you wouldn’t, you little pervert.” Nathan sips his beer, somehow processing everything a lot quicker than the rest of them. “I’ve seen the way you look at my arse.”

Alisha looks like _she_ wants to wring his neck.

“Nathan, you’re not helping!” Kelly barks at him. “Everyone, calm down! Give Simon a chance to speak, for fuck’s sake!”

But Simon can’t speak. He’s all choked up, so when they all look at him like they await an explanation he doesn’t have, he merely shakes his head.

“I’m sorry. I - I’ll go.”

He retreats pitifully, hearing no objections from Nathan or Alisha. 

Kelly, on the other hand, runs after him.

“Simon, wait!”

He leans against the wall outside the pub, face in hands. He wants to break down and cry. Everything has gone from shit to worse. He has fucked up his chances of reconciling with Nathan. Nathan is going to think Simon is trying to toy with him. He’s going to think that he’s some immoral and crazy fanatic who can’t control himself. A stalker. A weirdo. A deviant.

“Simon, hey. You alright, mate?” Kelly appears before him, watches him sadly. “Look, I don’t think you should leave things this way. Go back in and tell them the truth.” 

“I did,” Simon croaks, finding it impossible to meet her eyes. “I was telling the truth the whole time. I honestly didn’t know what I was saying.”

“I know. But that’s not the truth I’m talking about.”

He looks at her curiously, feeling ridiculously clueless.

“Simon,” she says, “I heard your thoughts the entire time. And I’ve heard them before. You’re like, in love with Nathan or something. You’re crazy about him. I can hear you thinking about him even when he’s not there.”

She pauses out of kindness, offering him a chance to catch up with what she’s revealed.

“Okay, we seriously need to stop using our powers on each other like this,” he retorts shakily, perhaps trying to appear insulted.

But he’s not. Kelly’s right. He always thinks of Nathan before Alisha. It’s always Nathan who comes first, before anyone else. 

“I’m sorry, Simon, you know I don’t do it on purpose. And your thoughts in particular, they were all strong and hectic, I couldn’t block them out.”

He finds himself nodding. He can easily believe that his emotional turmoil has given him away. 

“I know,” he says. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” 

“For what it’s worth,” Kelly tells him, “I’ve heard Nathan’s thoughts, too. I can’t believe you think he hates you.”

“Wait, what?” He leans forward, separates from the wall. “What have you heard? Wh-what does he think of me?” 

Just like that, he’s animated again. Awakened. His eyes widen with excitement. 

“Simon, I’m not going to tell you his private thoughts. You need to talk to him yourself. Find out how he really feels.”

“But - he doesn’t hate me, right?” Baffled, he blinks a couple of times. “That’s what you said. He doesn’t hate me.”

“No, he doesn’t hate you. Far from it.”

“A-are you sure? Even after tonight?”

“Ugh,” she sighs at him. “Just come back inside, will ya? Have a chat with him. And please, for the love of god, get it all out in the open so you both won’t have to suffocate me with your stupid angst anymore.”

*

They return to the table to find Alisha on her own. It could be worse. At least her and Nathan are not at each other’s throats. He decides that he owes her an explanation, but as soon as Simon approaches, she lets out a groan and gets up.

“I told you, I really don’t fancy seeing you right now.”

“I know. Look, I’m sorry, Alisha.”

“You’re sorry?”

“Yeah, I - I thought tonight would make you happy. I’m sorry the date wasn’t what you expected.”

She rolls her eyes at him.

“Understatement of the year.”

“Okay, you’re right. I know I blew it. I should have been honest with you from the beginning.”

Finally, she looks at him with piqued interest.

“Go on, then. Tell me what you should have told me.”

“Well, what I should have told you is that,” he inhales slowly as he wills himself to say it out loud, “I don’t think of you that way. I don’t feel about you the way I should. The way my future self did.”

For a moment she remains surprisingly calm. Then her hand tightens around her glass and she raises it dangerously.

“Alisha, stop!” Kelly swiftly steals the glass out of her friend’s hand before she is able to throw the drink in Simon’s face. “You may not like it, but he’s just telling you how he feels.”

“But this is not how he’s supposed to feel!” She shouts. Simon can tell from the sound of her voice that she’s had too much to drink. “This is not who he’s supposed to be!”

“This is who I’ve always been,” Simon mutters in his own defense, though he takes a step back, fearing she will attack him again. “Who I am right now, I’m more real than the other Simon.”

“No!” She shakes her head in denial. “Don’t you dare say that. You’re wrong. This is all because of him, isn’t it? He’s done something to you.”

“Nathan hasn’t done anything to me. It’s not his fault I feel this way.”

“But he _must_ have done something. My power didn’t work on you. It - it was all about him. It’s not supposed to work that way…”

“Alisha, you said it yourself. Future-Simon found a way to become immune to your power,” Kelly looks at her with sympathy. “So if your power isn’t meant to work on him, maybe it’s developed a new purpose. Maybe it’s meant to interpret Simon’s feelings for someone else?”

Alisha gives Kelly an evil glare, although she doesn’t yell this time.

“That. Is. Not. How. My. Power. Works.” She speaks from in between gritted teeth. “My power should make _me_ desirable to anyone I want. Not Nathan. And by the way, Simon doesn’t have feelings for him! He’s a twat!”

Kelly looks to Simon like she wants him to speak up.

Simon clears his throat awkwardly.

“I know he’s a twat. But…”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Alisha interrupts him before he has a chance to finish. “I’m NOT losing you to that prick!” 

“Alisha, you don’t even like me for who I am. All you do is talk about how I should change and become him.”

“But you are him!”

“No,” Simon says definitively, “I’m not. I’m sorry.”

After that, she falls silent. There is a sorrowful look on her face, which almost resembles mourning. She’s lost someone who was never real to anyone except her. The world will never know the loss of Future-Simon. No one will never know or understand what could have been. 

“Hey,” Kelly utters softly, “are you okay?”

Understandably, Alisha merely shrugs her shoulders.

“I think I want to go home.”

“Look, I’m really sorry to ask you this, Alisha,” Simon already feels like the biggest jerk on the planet, “but have you seen Nathan? I really need to speak to him.”

Alisha emits a tired, grumbling sound and gazes at him crossly.

“I don’t know. I think he went outside to look for you. Did you not see him?”

“No, I didn’t. Are you sure?”

“Well, yes. Although, some older bloke went after him, so maybe he’s off to get murdered for money again.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Even Nathan isn’t dumb enough to do that in public,” insists Kelly.

“Well, what do I know?” Alisha makes it pretty clear that she couldn’t care less. “I’m not his nanny, am I? I don’t know what he’s up to!”

Simon’s eyes meet Kelly’s. For a second, it’s like he can read her mind the way she reads his. There is a shared feeling between them that something’s not right. Simon is ashamed to admit it, but in that moment, he forgets all about Alisha, and about her hurt. He only cares about the fact that Nathan is gone.

“Come on,” Kelly says evenly, “we’ll go look for him.”

Alisha, however, leaves them to it. And so, he and Kelly quickly decide to split up, with her running out the back entrance and Simon checking the front. He’s taken aback by the sudden rush of adrenaline. Instinctively, his body fills with dread. He supposes it feels all too familiar to him. Nathan being nowhere to be found. Simon being too oblivious to notice when he’s in trouble.

He calls out his name, even as he’s met by confused onlookers who are stood smoking under a small roof. Nathan, as it turns out, isn’t among them.

“Has anyone seen… Nevermind.”

He decides that it’s usually best to not involve more people. A large brick wall is preventing him from running straight to the back, so he’s forced to re-enter through the main doors in order to get to the other exit. When he pushes open the back door, he is met by Kelly’s hollering:

“Get off him, you knob-head!” 

Simon makes sure to fully prepare. He finds an empty beer bottle next to the glass bins and breaks it against the wall. Kelly’s voice sounds again from around the corner:

“I’ll call the fuckin’ police if you don’t back off, mate!”

He follows the sound and finds Kelly standing about four feet from where a man has Nathan’s face pressed against the wall. 

“Stay out of this, bitch!” The man pauses, notices Simon appearing behind Kelly. “Hey, wanker! Nothing for you to see here. Piss off!”

Simon is overwhelmed by anger, it completely drowns out the usual, more rational cowardice in him.

“Doesn’t look like nothing to me,” he replies with a calm voice. “Looks like you’re harassing my friend for no reason. Let go of him!”

Nathan chooses that moment to give a laboured groan underneath the man’s rough handling, and he tries to wriggle free from the hand that’s tangled in his hair. He’s able to turn his head to just enough to see Simon standing there, broken bottle in hand.

“You better listen to him, you goon,” he chuckles, daring to take a jab at the man. “That one right there. He may not look like it, but he fights dirty. I’ve seen.”

“Keep your fucking mouth shut, you whore!” The ‘goon’ (middle-aged tosser with a round build and a receding hair-line, dressed in a horrible brown suit) goes on to heavily slam Nathan’s forehead into the wall. “I don’t want to hear another word out of you!”

“But - when it was just the two of us you wanted me to talk,” utters Nathan almost innocently once he recovers. “It’s not my fault you’re giving me mixed signals, man! OW!” 

He loses the cocky attitude when the man pulls at his arm and twists it cruelly behind his back. 

“Hey! Stop that!” Kelly looks about ready to jump the guy. “I don’t care what this is about! You’re out of order!”

“So your little friends here don’t give a shit what this is about, huh? Feel free to fill them in, slut.” The man leans in and wheezes into Nathan’s ear. “And if neither of you can tell me what you did to him, you’re screwed!”

“Let go of him!” Simon roars one more time. He sees the way Nathan grits his teeth with pain. “No one is going to talk until you let him go!” 

“Is that so?” Nathan is suddenly thrown to the ground. “There. I let him go. Now, you seem pretty eager to be part of the conversation. So, please. Be my guest. Talk.”

Simon holds the sharpened bottle up to the man’s face in an attempt to keep him from advancing.

“Talk? About what?” 

“Forget it, man!” Gripes Nathan without getting up. “The little weirdo doesn’t know anything! Neither does she. They are not part of this.”

“They seem like they are just begging to be part of it,” persists the man, keeping his eyes on the bottle like he’s trying to predict Simon’s next move. “I can get them involved if you don’t tell me what you know **right now.** ”

His fingers suddenly tug at Nathan’s hair, forcing the boy to look up at him. 

“Ow! Son of a bitch!” Nathan snarls. “I told you already, you fucker, I don’t know where he is!” 

“You lying whore!” 

He is about to backhand Nathan when Simon uses his whole body to push against his shoulder. When it throws the offender off course, Simon shoves the bottle forwards, stops just before he is able to take his eye out. The man stumbles several steps back and releases Nathan as a consequence. 

“That’s right! Fuck off!” Shouts Kelly who picks up the closest thing she can find. A crushed beer can. She throws it at him, hits his elbow which is instinctively covering his eyes. “If you don’t get out of here, I am going to call for backup. So I suggest you leg it!” 

As to stress what Kelly said, Simon lifts the splintered glass bottle again, pretending to know how to use it. It’s not much of a weapon, really, but luckily, the man doesn’t seem to have anything on him to counter the threat.

Finally, he retreats, waving his hands in the air. 

“Fine. I’ll go. But I’ll give you a word of warning, pretty boy,” he spits on the ground close to Nathan. “You haven’t seen the last of me. And next time I decide to pay you a little visit, you better be more helpful than that.”

Nathan glares at him, grimaces, but thankfully lets him have the final word. 

Simon holds his breath and follows the man with his eyes, doesn’t move a muscle until he’s disappeared down an alleyway steering him onto the main road. As soon as he’s gone he exhales, grateful that this is not another night of losing Nathan to some violent maniac. 

“What a wanker!” Kelly takes a deep breath and rushes to help Nathan up. “What the fuck was that about? You alright?”

Simon puts down his half a bottle and follows her lead, wrapping Nathan’s arm around his shoulder to support him.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” utters Nathan who untangles himself in order to prove he can stand on his own. “Can you believe it? For once I’m not dead. Or injured!”

“You _are_ injured. Your temple is bleeding,” says Simon who wishes he could check the rest of him for scrapes and blemishes. “He banged your head pretty hard. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Nathan touches at his wound gingerly, scrunches his nose at the sting.

“Fuck. That better not leave a scar.” He wipes his bloodied fingers in his shirt, then catches the look Simon is giving him. “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. You like my blood, don’t you? Didn’t mean to act like a tease.”

Nathan cackles, and it’s only made worse by Simon freezing on the spot, mortified.

“Do you really have to go back to being yourself so quickly?” Kelly slaps his arm, causing Nathan to flinch. Simon can tell she’s being gentle, however. Otherwise she would have punched him. “Be serious for a second. Who the fuck was that prick? What was he assaulting ya for?”

Nathan wipes the grin off his face, bites his lip as he becomes more serious. 

“Yeah, about that. Remember good old Dixon?” Simon shivers involuntarily at the name. “Turns out he has a brother who’s looking for him. He, uh - he thinks he’s gone missing.”

Simon swallows a sudden lump in his throat. Panicked, he exchanges a look with Kelly.

“Wait, so - why did he come to you?” Kelly crosses her arms, frowns. “How does he even know about ya?” 

“Well,” Nathan shrugs, “when I do my sexy immortal magic, word spreads fast I guess.”

“Be serious!” She snaps.

“I _am_ serious!” Nathan cries, still smirking. “Dixon must have recommended me to his brother! After all, he was quite fond of me. Even if he had a funny way of showing it.”

Simon shivers again.

“So what you’re saying is-”

“I vaguely remember Dixon asking me if he could introduce me to a new potential client. I just didn’t know who he meant at the time.” Nathan groans softly. “I’m glad to say it never happened! Did you see that fellow? All yellow teeth and absolutely no dress sense. It would have never worked out between us.”

No one pays attention to his jokes.

“So if you never did business with this man, how come he’s threatening you?” Simon eyes him with worry. “Why does he think you know anything about Dixon?”

Nathan sighs.

“So, apparently Dixon told him he was going to see me the night he, uh… ‘disappeared.’” Nathan actually does the quotation marks with his fingers. “The prick was all in my face about it. He says he knows I’m one of the last people to have seen him.”

“Fuck.” Kelly presses her hands to her hips, spits on the ground like she has a bad taste in her mouth. “I can’t believe that rapist dickhead is still causing us problems.”

“What do we do?” Simon’s breath quickens nervously. “Nathan, he threatened you. He said he would be back. You’re - you’re in danger.”

“I think at this point, it’s we,” replies the green-eyed boy a little too casually. “If he’s coming back for me, he’s probably coming back for you two as well.”

“Yeah, well, thanks a lot.” Kelly deadpans.

“Hey, I’m not the one who killed and buried his prick brother!” Nathan retorts. “I haven’t got any blood on my hands! In fact, I, too, am a murder victim!” 

Simon holds up his hand, asking them both to stop talking.

“Look, it’s not like his body has been found. The brother can’t prove that he’s dead. Or that we had anything to do with it.”

Kelly looks at him sceptically.

“He didn’t exactly seem sane, that one. You really think he’s going to give us the benefit of the doubt?”

“Of course he isn’t,” huffs Nathan. “He’s probably waiting for a chance to slash us! Slashing people probably runs in the Dixon family.”

“No!” Utters Simon firmly. “I’m not going to let that happen. I’m not going to let him, or anyone else, slash you again, Nathan. I promise.”

They all fall quiet with that statement, as if reminded of what still needs resolving between them. Nathan has unconsciously started touching at his neck, which of course Simon picks up on immediately. He knows he’s been reminded of what Dixon did to him. He knows he’s trying to hide behind his snarky remarks, but Simon still sees and recognises Nathan’s terror.

His eyes are all helpless and it’s stirring the protectiveness in Simon.

“Okay. I think you guys have a lot to talk about,” says Kelly after a while, scratching at her neck. “I should go find Alisha and take her home.”

Simon has forgotten all about Alisha, and about his blunder which still has him fearing that it’s hopeless to regain Nathan’s trust. But then again, what was it Alisha had said? _I think he went outside to look for you._ Nathan _had_ wanted to talk. If he was still willing to hear him out, maybe it wasn’t all bad.

“Oh, right,” Nathan mutters just as Kelly is about to leave. “I almost forgot Barry said those things about eating my heart and nailing my corpse. I assume that’s what you’re referring to, Kel?”

Kelly pauses awkwardly, turns around to give Nathan a benevolent look.

“Just hear Simon out, you idiot. Trust me. You’re going to want to hear what he has to say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading!
> 
> And apologies, I hope I haven't offended anyone by the way Alisha's character is written. I actually really like Alisha, even if I don't ship her and Simon :)


	3. Who are you, then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> Here we are, it's time for Simon and Nathan to have a biiiiig talk! (yikes!)
> 
> Heads up for graphic descriptions of injuries and mentions of non-consensual touching.

“I’m so sorry, Nathan,” whispers Simon when they are alone.

“For what? Playing me and Alisha off against each other? Objectifying my dead body? For causing Dixon’s brother to go all vendetta on me? The list is getting long.”

“All of it. I’m sorry for all of it, okay? I feel horrible. I don’t know how everything got so out of hand. I thought the evening couldn’t get any worse.”

At that, Nathan doesn’t say anything.

“Look, I totally understand if you’re still mad.”

Nathan’s expression is surprisingly difficult to read.

“I don’t know. You made it hard for me to stay mad when you defended me, or whatever it was you did. I guess I’m lucky you and Kelly showed up.”

“Nathan, about those things Alisha repeated. I was under her spell when I said it.”

“I know. You don’t have to explain, I know how her power works. I kinda can’t believe she did that to you.”

They both fall silent for a short moment.

“You should get that cleaned up and bandaged,” Simon keeps his eyes on Nathan’s bleeding temple instead of making eye-contact. “Does it hurt?”

Nathan studies him openly. As always he’s much better at masking his fluster.

“No, it’s not that bad,” sounds the reply quietly. 

“I can take care of it, if you want.” Simon hesitates. “There’s sanitiser and band-aids at my parents’ house.”

 _“There’s sanitiser and band-aids at my parents’ house,”_ Nathan imitates him with a hint of a smile. “That’s your daft way of asking me to go home with you, isn’t it?”

Simon blushes, feels lost for words again.

“I’m not trying to... I - I just wanted to…”

“Alright, alright. You don’t have to twist my arm,” jokes the other, perhaps hoping to break the ice. “Fine, you can clean me up if you want. On one condition.”

“And what’s that?”

“You have to tell me what the fuck is going on. And I don’t just mean with you and Alisha.”

*

Simon had every intention of waiting until they were back at his parents’ to get real and tell Nathan how fucking head-over-heels he is.

Honestly, he had.

It just so happens that it slips out pretty much the moment they start walking.

Maybe he’d rather get it all out now, in case he’s facing rejection. It’s much easier to deal with outside the bedroom where he spends most of his time fantasising about the boy who’s gone suddenly much too quiet.

Nathan keeps his head down for a while, barely reacting to anything he’s heard. At least he’s not making any jokes. At least he’s not laughing or calling Simon names.

“It’s funny,” he begins after a moment of heavy silence, “the way you tried to take the man down with half a beer bottle, like it was one of those fencing swords or somethin’...” Nathan lets out a faint, giggling sound. When Simon wonders if he’s trying to insult him, he continues: “I know Kelly was sticking up for me, too, but you - you always go the extra mile, don’t you? I mean, christ, you’ve already killed a man just to protect me.”

Simon gives Nathan a puzzled look. He’s not entirely sure what he’s trying to say.

“I don’t know, man.” Nathan keeps his hands in his pockets, averts his eyes even in the dark. “Sometimes I’m wondering if maybe you’re becoming him, after all. Super-Barry, or Future-Barry or whatever. You have this instinct. You see everything. You’re always at the right place at the right time. You’re always looking out for us. Sometimes you act all… superhero-y… kinda like what Alisha was talking about.”

Simon’s mouth falls open. He’s astonished at Nathan’s observation. He had no idea he’d even been thinking, or speculating, about another version of him.

“Nathan, I’m not the person from the future that Alisha describes. He’s not real. Something must have happened to change the timeline. I’m… different. I’m not becoming him. Ever.”

Nathan furrows his brow subtly.

“How do you know?”

“Because - I don’t feel like him. I don’t want to be with Alisha. I don’t want that future. It’s not who I am.”

“Who are you, then?” Nathan looks at him sincerely. The question is meaningful and candid. “If you’re not Super-Barry, does it mean you’re the other guy Alisha talked about? The kinky necrophile one?”

Simon closes his eyes with dread, wishing he will never be faced with that question again.

“No,” he says explicitly, “I don’t want to be that person either. I don’t want to abuse you, Nathan.”

“So what? Something in-between, maybe?”

At that, Simon wants to laugh. Perhaps that would make sense. Perhaps it’s the best way to describe his complexity, come to think of it. 

“Maybe I’m someone who isn’t quite as good, but not quite as bad, either.” He cringes at his own cliche, but the point stands. He wants to be as honest with Nathan as he possibly can. “Maybe I’m someone who wants to be better. And less secretive. I’m always worried what people might think of me if they knew everything that goes on inside.”

“So, what kind of secrets are we talking? Does it actually involve necrophilia?”

Simon elbows him, taking inspiration from Kelly.

“Enough with that!”

“Ow! Okay, okay. But seriously, though - if you don’t want to be Future-Barry, does that mean you’ve given up on learning parkour and all that superhero stuff?” He’s back at it again with his stupid jokes. “You’re not even gonna make an attempt at climbing buildings?”

“Christ, Nathan. Do I look like someone who knows how to climb a building?”

“That was the one cool thing about Future-Barry, though. Maybe you can keep that as your goal, but without the mask. That was a bit much.”

“The one cool thing, huh?”

“Look, all I’m saying is, maybe it would be good for you to develop a useful power. Unlike that invisibility thing you’ve got going.”

Simon makes certain to give the other boy an evil look, though behind it of course, his heart beats with pure thrill and fascination.

*

“So, you like me, huh?”

Nathan bites his lip when Simon applies the disinfectant and cleans his wound gently. Simon’s aware it must sting pretty bad. Nathan grips the rim of the bathtub where he has currently perched himself. He can feel him tensing. His knuckles are turning white.

“Do I really have to repeat myself?” Simon pauses and smirks down at him. If he has to, he doesn’t mind saying it again.

“You like me like me?” Nathan prods again, like he still needs clarification.

“Jesus, Nathan. Yes! I like you like you. So much it actually scares me. Now, sit still.”

Simon carefully places the bandaid above his eyebrow when Nathan persists:

“For real?”

Simon rolls his eyes at him.

“Exactly how hard did you bang your head?”

His hand lingers, cups Nathan’s jaw affectionately. 

Nathan looks comically perplexed.

“But… why? Why do you like me?”

Simon simply responds by angling the other boy’s head back and pressing their lips together softly. He doesn’t know how else to express his feelings. No words would suffice. He needs Nathan to feel it.

“Don’t you realise how lovely you are?” He pulls back slowly, giving Nathan a moment to take it all in.

“But…” The brunette continues to look mystified. “I annoy you all the time.”

“I know.”

“I’m mean to you.”

“No argument here.”

“I call you names.”

“Like Barry?”

“No, like virgin. Twat. Paedophile.” Nathan smirks mischievously.

Simon shakes his head at him, decides to tease him back.

“I think you were just always desperate for my attention. Hence the bullying.”

Simon kisses him again, before Nathan can think of a come-back. And because, now he can. Nathan is opening up to him, letting Simon hold his face tenderly. When they part, however, he looks deep in thought.

“Yeah well, apparently I needed to develop a power for you to notice me.” Simon isn’t sure if he’s taunting him this time, or if he’s expressing an actual concern. “You were only all over me when I started dying.”

Simon remains silent. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s aware that Nathan still has plenty of things he could throw at him, if he wants.

Nathan notices his apprehension.

“Don’t worry, I’m not, like, saying it accusingly. I’m just wondering how it happened. You falling for me. When did you realise I was lovely?” Nathan is clearly enjoying his compliment way too much. “Was it when you found me dead and you thought you’d lost me?”

Simon knows he’s just being playful. He knows Nathan is unaware of the lump that forms in his throat as he recalls the way his blood had run ice-cold. 

“If you’re asking me if it made me realise that you are special to me, then yes. I did learn from finding your dead body, Nathan, that you are not only special, but precious to me. I was in pain when I saw you like that. I was devastated.”

“I’m sorry. I never meant to traumatise you.” 

“But you meant for me to find you, didn’t you?” Simon looks into those impossibly green eyes. “You could have borrowed anyone else’s phone the night before. But you borrowed mine. And you kept it. You meant for me to come back for it the next day. I figured you out from the beginning.” His smile widens. “You wanted me there.”

Nathan grins up at him, doing that annoying (endearing) act of his in which he neither confirms or denies.

“As it turned out, Barry, you wanted to be there, too. You kept coming back.”

“Yeah, but why me? Was it your way of asking for help? Did you want me there for protection?”

“I don’t know,” Nathan pouts his lips innocently. “Maybe it’s because rising from the dead all alone is no fun. Imagine dying and having no one there to fuss over you. And you - you’ve always tried to keep me safe, even when I don’t ask for it. Remember the first time - on the rooftop, with that crazy virtue virgin? Before we knew about my power. I remember the look on your face when you failed to grab my hand and pull me back up. When you knew I was going to fall to my death. You were even more terrified than I was.”

Simon holds his gaze, relives the nightmare until it forces him to suddenly look away with a sharp inhale. He remembers the sound of the spikes piercing through Nathan’s body, killing him instantly. He remembers Kelly’s screaming. The blood. The fucking funeral. That open casket displaying Nathan so peacefully, it had almost looked like an imposter posing as him.

“Oh, Christ.”

Nathan’s arm wraps around his middle, keeping Simon grounded.

“Hey. It was the moment I knew you cared.” 

Simon is lost for words. He can’t believe Nathan is holding him. Desperately, he wraps his arms around the other boy’s neck.

“To answer your previous question, Nathan, it’s not just your power. You know that, right? I think you’re amazing, for you. Unlike me, you never needed a power to make you special.” 

Nathan’s forehead creases doubtfully.

“Wait. You think your invisibility makes you special? Come on, Barry. It’s not like, I don’t know. Being able to fly.”

Simon emits a small huff, pushes against him like he wants to be let go of. Which he most certainly doesn’t.

“I mean, Curtis’s power is way cooler, if only he knew how to use it,” Nathan provokes him. “Even Kelly’s, although it’s probably the one that annoys me the most.”

“Speaking of annoying…” Simon groans at him, trailing his finger down the back of Nathan’s neck.

“I’m sorry. You were saying these _lovely_ things about me, and all I do is mock you.”

“Now I understand how my future self came to be. He must have been so tired of getting dragged for possessing a power, which by the way, has saved your arse countless times.”

“You know who else has saved my arse, without turning invisible? Super-Barry.”

“Nathan, I’m not, like, in competition with another version of me that doesn’t even exist.”

“No, you’re right. Good for you, man. We don’t need Super-Barry. Even though he was kind of hot.”

“Don’t you dare.” Simon finds himself chuckling stupidly.

Nathan puts his hand on top of Simon’s that is resting on his shoulder.

“Not as hot as this version, obviously.” 

*

When they sit down together on his bed, Simon knows they’re about to have a completely different conversation. It’s impossible to tell how this one will turn out. His palms are sweaty and his whole body rigid with anxiety. Nathan is watching him with a tinge of sympathy, like he understands how terrified he must feel.

Simon has brought it on himself, of course, both the shame and the guilt, as well as the potential outcome that Nathan will never speak another word to him again. But at least he’s giving him a chance to get everything off his chest. His sins have been his personal cross to bear for so long that even if the truth does end up scaring Nathan away, it might also set him free.

“C-can I kiss you one last time? Before we…” 

Simon clears his throat nervously. He can feel his heart racing. All he wants to do is throw his arms around Nathan and beg him not to turn on him. He’ll die if he’ll never get to kiss or hold him again.

“You’re worried I won’t want to kiss you after this?” Nathan eyes him sadly. “Hey, it’s not like I come without baggage. Who am I to judge? I’m letting older men pay to have their way with me, for crying out loud. I whore myself out, I misuse my power. Don’t get me wrong, I really fucking need the money, but… It’s not exactly ethical, is it?”

“Nathan, that’s not - I mean, you’re not whoring yourself out,” objects Simon. “You’re doing it to survive. It’s not your fault you’re in this position.”

“Well, it kinda is,” shrugs the other boy. “I could have been nicer to mum. And her boyfriend. I could have grown the fuck up and not convinced myself she would always put me first. I mean, why would she? I’m a pain in the arse. I take and take and I give nothing back. I’m like a bad investment. No wonder she pulled the plug and put her love into someone better.” 

“Hey. You’re not a bad investment,” Simon tells him seriously. “Don’t ever say that. Your mum loves you. Are you being hard on yourself to make this easier for me?”

Nathan replies with a shrug.

“I’m just saying - I’m not perfect. So I’m not expecting you to be, Barry.”

Simon’s heart swells to double size when it hits him that Nathan, without even knowing what he’s done, is already trying to be on his side. Nathan instinctively wants to defend him. It’s like he is trying to put himself down in order to raise Simon up. Lower the bar, so to speak.

Which is completely unjust.

“Nathan, I’ve made some terrible mistakes that I regret with all my heart. I know that nobody is perfect, but - you’re so good and you don’t even realise it. You’re so much better than I deserve.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true. I - I’ve failed you. And I’ve lied to you. And I’ve manipulated y-”

Nathan cuts him off before he can reveal anything else, grips Simon’s shoulders suddenly as he leans in to offer the kiss he’d so anxiously requested. Perhaps Nathan knows it, too. There are certain things the two of them may never recover from, so best to enjoy the moment in case there isn’t another.

His lips are so soft and warm. He’s so gentle and bashful as he slows down in order to await Simon’s response. Easily persuaded, Simon cups his face and pulls him forward like he can’t get enough. This is it. He wants to learn and know Nathan’s taste by heart, so that it will forever reside in his memory. He wants to remember Nathan’s scent, the feeling of his skin, the warmness of his sweet breath against his face. Simon closes his eyes and deepens the kiss urgently, as if running out of time. He moves his tongue inside Nathan’s mouth and Nathan lets him. Just like he lets Simon lick his bottom lip. And wrap his fingers in his curls. Angle his head so he can go deeper yet.

Only when Simon pushes him down on his back and rolls on top of him does Nathan break the kiss.

“Barry…”

Simon is so entranced, he doesn’t pay attention. He merely tries to cover the other boy’s mouth with his own.

“Barry,” whispers Nathan again, squirming underneath him. When Simon stills, he gently pushes against his shoulder until he gets off him. “Can you please just tell me what you’ve done so I can forgive you and we can go back to doing this properly? I can’t enjoy myself with all this stuff just hanging over my head.”

Simon pushes himself up on his knees, which offers Nathan a chance to sit. 

“Nathan, it’s - it’s not that simple.”

“What? You don’t think I will forgive you?”

Simon feels all choked up. He’s scared to find out the answer.

“I - I don’t think it’s enough for me to tell you what I’ve done,” he stammers. “I owe it to you to… show you.”

“Show me?” Nathan’s beautiful face falls slightly. “So, what? I was right about your phone and all that? You have other pictures of me? I mean, I can’t really say I’m all that shocked.”

Simon rubs at his forehead, feels a shiver running through his body. 

“I’m sorry, Nathan.”

“Yeah, I - I know you are.” The brunette studies him with worry. “Come on. Is it really that bad? Did you film me in the shower or something?”

“Worse,” croaks Simon. “Much worse.”

Nathan seems to pale for a moment.

“Okay, well. We still have to talk about it.”

“I - I don’t know if I can…”

“Look at me, Barry. Please. Let’s just get it over with, yeah? I mean, you’ve had that guilty look on your face for a while now. I kinda knew something was going on.”

“Yeah,” wheezes Simon. “And you confronted me about it. And all I did was deny everything, which makes it so much worse.”

“But now you’re at least trying to make it right,” Nathan points out kindly. “Honestly, Barry, I want you. I want to give this a chance, believe me, I do. But you can’t keep secrets from me anymore. You have to tell me the truth.”

He finds himself nodding. Anguished, he runs a hand through his hair and swings his legs off the bed. He assumes an almost wooden position as he straightens his back and folds his hands in his lap. He tries to then keep a straight face. 

“I’ll tell you everything, Nathan. And for the record - if you don’t want to see me, or speak to me after this, I won’t be offended. Really. I promise I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.” 

He can tell he’s beginning to scare the shit out of the other boy. 

“Please,” Nathan mutters under his breath, barely audible. “I can’t stand this. Stop trying to warn me, just… Just tell me.”

*

_Nathan’s face is tilted back limply, exposing dead, frozen features and blood-stained lips._

_Nathan is naked on the floor, with his hands tied together behind his back._

The computer screen lights up the dark room. After the scare Nathan gave him by stealing his phone, Simon has since moved his private portofolio to his desktop. The pictures are much too sensitive, much too unsafe to carry on his person. He’s even created a password for his secret Nathan-folder. Nathan would never be able to access these if Simon hadn’t willingly let him.

_Nathan has been beaten bloody. He is sporting a split cheek and dark blemishes are decorating his pale torso._

_Nathan wears a leather belt around his throat like a dog collar. It’s tight. He’s evidently not breathing._

Simon closes his eyes and presses his palms to his knees. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. Nathan is taking longer than he’d expected studying each picture. It’s making him feel put on trial. The longer Nathan spends taking it all in, every gorey detail, the more Simon believes he’s building up a case against him. He is certain he will go down for this.

_Nathan is bleeding from in between his legs where his client has torn him apart._

_Nathan is sprawled out on his back with his limbs twisted like a broken doll. An inanimate object. A thing._

He’s told him everything. He’s confessed to everything there possibly is to confess. Nathan knows about the stalking and the spying, both alone and with clients. He knows Simon has observed him in his sleep. Wanked over him. He knows that he has tasted his blood after he stuck the knife in him that one time. He knows that Simon has kissed and touched his murdered body without consent.

_Nathan is handcuffed and lying on his stomach across some bastard’s lap, underwear pushed down._

Simon struggles to breathe evenly. He dares not turn his head and watch Nathan’s expression. He doesn’t want to know the grimaces the other boy must be pulling. He’s not ready for his judgment and blame, and he never will be.

_Nathan’s arse is painfully red with welts and contusions. With abuse._

He knows Kelly asked him to use his power to check up on him. Make sure that he was okay after the clash with Dixon. He also knows that Simon took that responsibility too far.

_Nathan’s corpse is tied to a chair, his mouth dripping with cum._

He knows Simon lurked and followed him the night he was spiked. He knows that he was not only watching him up close with the guy he’d drunkenly kissed, but was in fact behind the bite that broke them up. Simon hurt him, and he let someone else take the blame.

_Nathan’s wrists are slashed and bleeding._

He knows Simon lied about **being** spiked. That he would have never fallen sick had he not stolen Nathan’s drink. Nathan had believed he’d put him in danger. Nathan had blamed himself for it.

_Nathan’s throat is swollen with bruises._

He knows Simon feels possessive. Behaves controllingly. He knows watching him with other people makes him jealous as much as it elates him.

_Nathan’s corpse is covered in piss, both Simon’s and his own._

Simon lets out a shaky breath. Then, suddenly it’s over. He can hear the sound of Nathan clicking a couple of times before realising they’re at the end. There are no more pictures, they have been through them all. For one prolonged moment, Simon feels smothered by the heavy silence. He’s about to speak when Nathan jumps up from the chair and crosses the floor hurriedly, as if trying to get as far away from the computer screen as he can. And from Simon.

“Nathan, please, _please_ forgive me. I’m so sorry.”

Simon half expects him to storm out, or yell, but he doesn’t. He just turns his back on him, wraps his arms around himself as if covering up.

Simon has left him so badly exposed.

“You must really hate me right now,” continues Simon frantically. “ _I_ hate me.”

Nathan is still not answering.

“I - I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I can’t imagine how violated you must feel. Nathan, please. Are you okay? Let me make sure you’re okay.”

Only when he feels Simon approaching him does Nathan look over his shoulder and mutter:

“Stop. I need… I need a minute, okay?”

“Of course.” Simon swallows and takes a step back respectfully. “It’s just - you seem… Are you sure you’re okay?”

Nathan’s eyes are big and frightened, like a deer in the headlights. He looks utterly dumbfounded. Simon is filled with the sudden urge to hold and comfort him, even if it’s the one thing he can’t do, not as the predator who’s been caught hunting him down. He wishes he could express his regret as sincerely as he feels it, instead of simply repeating the same old mantra: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

After a while he tries again to get Nathan to look at him.

“Let me come closer for a sec. Please?”

Nathan turns his back on him again stubbornly. It has Simon pausing. He’s not turning away from him because he’s crying. He’s not panicking like he thought he would be. He’s not shaking, his shoulders are still. His breath is steady and soundless. Simon slowly realises. Nathan is hiding from him because he’s-

“Nathan, are you hard right now?” Simon’s voice is a soft whisper. He wants to soothe the other boy. “It’s okay. C-can I see?”

Nathan’s hand falls subtly between his legs, preventing Simon from offending him with his gaze. After a moment’s hesitance, a despaired reply sounds:

“I shouldn’t be. I don’t know why…”

Simon feels staggered to witness the other boy so embarrassed. 

“Nathan, you don’t have to hide from me. You have no reason to be ashamed. I’m the one who should be ashamed.”

“Well - are you?”

“Of course I am. I’ve never felt so much shame in my life. All I’m saying is, you shouldn’t be. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Yeah right,” Nathan chokes as he makes an attempt at a mock-laughter. He sounds like he’s about to break down. “I’m so fucking innocent, aren’t I? Like I had no idea what those fat pricks were usin’ me for…”

There it is, after all. The sharp inhale. The hunched shoulders. The sudden emotion. Simon immediately wishes he could stop his tears, before Nathan’s distress shatters him.

“Hey. Look at me, Nathan. It’s okay…”

“No, it’s not okay!” Snaps the other boy, voice trembling. “I’ve just looked at my own dead body! I’ve just seen myself getting…” He chooses not to finish that sentence. “It’s ANYTHING but okay! I’m such a fucking idiot. I thought it was fine, as long as I didn’t know, didn’t feel what my clients were doing to me. I - I thought I could get away with it, walk away from it unscathed...”

“Nathan…”

“I’m so fucking irresponsible! I’m… I’m disgusting…”

“No,” utters Simon firmly. “I won’t have that. You’re NOT disgusting. Those things were being done _to_ you. You had no say…”

“But I did, didn’t I? I let it happen.” Nathan snorts and shakes his head. “Who the fuck chooses to be abused like that? How the fuck could I be okay with it? D-did you see how pathetic I looked? I w-was covered in blood and spunk… I had s-someone’s belt around my throat, like a fucking pet. A fucktoy.”

“Nathan, stop. You’re not-”

“All this time, I was calling you a pervert. A freak. _I’m_ the freak!” 

“No,” Simon protests, “you’re not! You’re gorgeous. You’re wonderf-”

“I’m a FREAK!” Nathan cuts him off. “Who in their right mind would do the things I do? Dying is horrible. Anyone who’s ever been there would do **anything** in their power to not go through it again. And here I am, trying to profit from it.”

“Nathan, you needed the money. You - you never did it for pleasure…”

“Just drop it, Barry. I’ve seen the way Curtis and Alisha look at me. Even Kelly sometimes. _They_ think I’m disgusting. I’m pretty sure they think I deserve what’s come to me.”

“No. You _don’t_ deserve it, Nathan. No one deserves that.”

“Why are you standing up for me, Barry? Why are you not horrified like everyone else?” Nathan eyes him accusingly. “How can you even look at me? How can you possibly find me attractive? Is it because you’re a freak, too?”

 _Yes,_ a voice echoes in Simon’s head. _I’m a freak, too._

“Nathan, you’re not… You’re not defined by what’s happened to you. You are neither of those things.” He steps closer one more time, even though Nathan backs into the wall in response. “You’re perfect just the way you are. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. The others may not understand it, but I - I adore you.”

Nathan wipes the tears from his eyes angrily, huffs:

“Sure you do. You adore me because I let you piss on me. Bite me. Stab me.”

“No,” whimpers Simon desperately. “I don’t want that. I want you for _you._ Nathan, I’ve never cared about another person the way I care about you. I want to keep you safe. I want to make you feel good. I want to…”

Simon loses all self-control, because he needs Nathan to see how genuinely he means it, needs him to understand his true feelings. He closes the small distance between them and pushes Nathan up against the wall before he can turn away. He kisses him without further hesitation, despite the fact that Nathan reacts by twisting his face to the side. When Simon’s mouth falls to his ear and continues to kiss him there, however, he is certain he can feel Nathan’s hardness against his hip.

“I’ll - I’ll stop if you want me to,” gasps Simon, without letting go of him. “But - don’t you realise how in love with you I am? This is - this is real, Nathan. When you put yourself down like that, it scares me. How can you think so little of yourself? How can you not know how great you are? How unique, how worthy…”

Reluctantly, Nathan straightens himself and casts his eyes on Simon. His expression is one of confusion, and perhaps disbelief. But in that moment, Simon feels no trace of anger. Nathan’s eyes fall on his lips curiously. His pretty, curly eyelashes are sticky with tears. 

“I know you’re turned on,” whispers Simon gently. “I can feel it. Am I making you feel good, Nathan? Or do you want me to stop?”

Nathan’s fingers are digging into Simon’s skin where his palms are pressing into his shoulders. He looks as though he’s still trying to decide between pushing him away and pulling him closer. When he fails to answer the question, Simon merely wraps his arms around him and pushes his luck by kissing his lips again.

Nathan opens up to him automatically, his body doing the talking for him. Gingerly, Simon uses his tongue to kiss him languidly and unhurriedly, eventually drawing a small moan from the other boy. 

“Want me to keep going?” He pulls back in order to check again. Nathan’s eyes are glazing over slightly. Simon would give anything to possess Kelly’s power, and to be able to read his mind. “Please. Talk to me.”

Instead of talking, Nathan’s hand travels slowly to the back of Simon’s neck, urging him closer. Simon obeys instantly, goes back to kissing him fervently. Nathan puts him in charge and opens his mouth to him again, submits to him. Simon never knew he was one for dominance, but it comes to him so naturally. Pleasing Nathan is what drives him. He cups Nathan’s face and kisses him more forcefully, goes deeper as he hopes to steal his breath away. Nathan is already panting, his fingers almost shaking as they run through Simon’s hair. He’s pulling him closer yet again, until Simon’s body must be crushing him against the wall. He grips Nathan’s face and guides his head back, lets it fall back into the wall like the rest of him. At this angle, Simon manages to take a hold of his entire mouth. He never thought it possible to kiss someone this deeply and still be desperate for more. How are they even breathing at this stage? How have their legs not collapsed under them?

Simon drags his tongue past Nathan’s, hits the roof of his mouth as he decides to lick him. He crushes their mouths together relentlessly when suddenly, a sharp pain forces him to withdraw completely.

He cries out unexpectedly and glares at the other boy, in shock. Nathan has bit him. When Simon presses his finger to his bottom lip, it comes back bloody. As if taking note of the warning, Simon stumbles back, makes sure he’s not crowding Nathan whose back remains pressed flatly against the wall. 

“Y-you bit me,” wheezes Simon stupidly, like the other boy doesn’t know what he’s done.

Nathan gives him a heavy-lidded look. His expression remains calm, almost dull.

“Now you know how it feels.”

The statement is simple and unapologetic. Simon’s jaw drops slightly. He’s puzzled, and worried, and guilty, and excited all at once. Then he realises:

“You’re mad at me.”

“Yes of course I’m fucking mad at you.” Nathan’s tone remains quiet and unemotional. It’s making Simon feel like a fucking idiot for not comprehending this sooner. “You’re a fucking prick for doing this to me, do you know that?”

Of course Simon knows that. In fact, prick is much too kind. 

Mortified, he nods his head. 

“What you’ve done, what I’ve done - it’s _sick._ Do you understand? We’re both sick for getting off to it.”

“Nathan, I’m…”

“Shut it, Barry. You - you had me believing your life was in danger because of me, because of something I did. I thought Dixon spiked you when in fact, you did it to yourself. You drank the poison that was meant for me because you were _creeping_ on me. Again.”

Once again, Simon nods shamefully.

“You’ve used me. Assaulted me.” Nathan’s voice is still composed. Deadly calm. “Degraded me.”

“Y-yes.” Simon inhales shakily. “Forgive me, Nathan. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so s-”

Abruptly, Nathan shoves him back before he can say anything else. Those green eyes are focusing on the blood staining Simon’s lip. For now, perhaps it’s punishment enough.

*

They are sat on his bed when eventually, Simon dares to speak again:

“I don’t deserve you. I know that.”

Nathan closes his eyes briefly, like he’s fallen suddenly tired.

“Nathan, I - I think I have a darkness inside me. I can’t control it. I don’t know why I do the things I do.” Simon swallows a rather persistent lump in his throat. “I push people away. I creep everyone out. I’m that weirdo kid nobody likes.”

When he pauses for dramatic effect, Nathan eyes him slightly sarcastically.

“You? Have a darkness? Get out of here!”

Simon accepts the mockery. He knows he’s practically asking for it. 

“When I said I wasn’t quite Future Simon and not quite… you know. Necrophile Simon...” Simon shivers miserably. “That was wishful thinking, wasn’t it? I’ve never been able to strike that balance between good and bad. Maybe… maybe I _am_ corrupted. There’s something wrong with me.”

Finally, Nathan lets out a small sigh.

“You’re not corrupted. You’re just…”

“What?” Simon eyes Nathan desperately, because he genuinely needs to know.

“I don’t know what you are,” shrugs Nathan. After all, it’s not his job to defend him. “Look, Barry - I never needed you to be a saint. I know you’re slightly different in your own way. Dare I say - a little intense? A little... crazy?”

Simon’s mouth falls open. He remembers Nathan’s term of endearment. 

_“I think a bit of crazy is good. **You’re** good, Simon.”_

“In other words, I know you have your flaws. So do I. We’re both young offenders. We’re misfits, we’re... screwed up. A little bit twisted probably.”

“Twisted,” repeats Simon pensively, taking Nathan’s words in. “Yeah. I guess.”

“But what I do need,” elaborates the other boy, “is for you to be on my side.”

“I _am_ on your side, Nathan. Always.”

“If that’s so, you can’t keep manipulating me,” Nathan warns him. “You’re very good at it. Sometimes I don’t even notice.”

“I promise, I don’t want to manipulate you,” utters Simon who finds himself leaning in eagerly.

“You’re doing it right now,” accuses Nathan and pushes him back. “Stop trying to kiss me. _That_ is manipulation.”

“Oh.” Simon frowns with despair. He didn’t even realise that he had been trying to cause a distraction. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Nathan shakes his head at him, but it’s playful. He watches Simon with a hint of amusement, lays himself down on his side. Simon follows him with his eyes. Eventually he fixates on the bandaid at Nathan’s temple. He’s not even aware of the fact that he’s moving closer, until he’s practically hovering above him.

“Barry, give us some space. You’re staring at me. That’s exactly the kind of intense I was talking about.”

Flustered, Simon scoots over to the foot of the mattress.

“I - I forgot.”

“That I can see you?”

Simon tenses his body. Nathan’s following question doesn’t help:

“You’ve never been with anyone, have you?”

“I’m not a virgin, Nathan.”

“But you don’t know how to do relationships.”

“What, and you do?” Simon hits back.

Nathan lets out a small giggle. 

“Look, Barry, what I’m trying to say is - I think we need to learn to pace ourselves. Go about this the healthy way.”

Needless to say, Simon is less familiar with doing things the healthy way.

“Nathan, I will do anything to make you feel comfortable. With me. With us. I’ll do anything it takes.”

“Will you learn to control yourself?” 

Simon wants more than anything to simply nod, and agree without hesitation. But he knows he shouldn’t make promises he could easily end up breaking.

“C-can you teach me? Can you help me set a couple of, you know… boundaries?” 

Nathan stifles a laugh, and Simon appreciates his effort to take him seriously.

“You want me to teach you boundaries, Barry?” Nathan uprights himself and inches closer. “You want to learn about social norms? The dos and don’ts? The frowned-upons?”

“I want to normalise my behaviour,” replies Simon firmly. “For you, Nathan. I - I don’t ever want to offend you again.”

Nathan kneels down in front of him and brings his face close to his.

“You mean, stuff like touching me without my consent?” Simon’s hand is already reaching for Nathan’s chin when Nathan catches it mid-air, bats it away. “Nuh-uh,” he tuts. “You better rethink your next move.”

“S-sorry…” Simon stutters breathlessly. He folds his hands in his lap so he’s not tempted again. “It’s just - you’re so… beautiful.”

Nathan tilts his head, eyes narrowing in response.

“You really think flattery is going to work on me? Is that why you pissed on my dead body? Because I’m beautiful? Tell me, Barry.”

_Yes._

“I’ll never touch you again without asking,” Simon deflects. “I promise. I won’t look at you. I won’t follow you around. I won’t embarrass you.”

“Is that so?”

“You sound like you don’t believe me.”

Nathan just watches his split lip, stays put, because when he’s all in Simon’s face like this, he knows he is still able to smell him. There’s a glimmer in his eyes. His mouth twitches and stretches as he grins devilishly. He’s already getting a kick out of disciplining him.

*

“What are we going to do about Dixon’s brother?”

Simon isn’t proud to admit that he temporarily forgot about the attack, and about the bastard roughing Nathan up. But now, with Nathan lying and breathing quietly next to him, he’s reminded of his angst. He worries what could have happened if he and Kelly hadn’t pried the man off him. He doesn’t want Nathan to be in danger. Not again. Nathan thinks himself adventurous, but everyone knows he can be foolhardy. Imprudent. Reckless. He’s somehow much too easy to take advantage of.

Nathan pulls a face that suggests he’d forgotten, too.

“Fuck knows.” The other boy pouts slightly. “I guess we pray he only had the one brother, and not another seven we haven’t met yet.”

Simon turns his neck to look at him.

“He’s not gonna find his body. I promise you. I was too distressed when we disposed of him, but Kelly was more cool headed. She made sure we got rid of him properly.”

Nathan’s expression remains slightly blank. He stares up into the ceiling.

“I don’t wanna think about Dixon right now,” he admits.

Simon nods.

“Okay. I guess tonight has been… a lot.”

Nathan rolls onto his side and offers him a small smile.

“I think I should be heading home. It’s late.”

“What?” Simon jolts upright. “No, stay. We have that spare mattress, remember. My parents won’t mind.”

“I know they won’t. They would be relieved to see you didn’t scare me away for good,” Nathan jokes. “But if we are serious about taking things slow…”

“Nathan, there is a maniac out there who thinks you’re to blame for Dixon’s… absence.” Simon shakes his head stubbornly. “I don’t want you to walk home alone, not this time of day. Please. Just stay.”

Nathan cocks his eyebrow at him.

“But if I do, I would only be tempting you. Because you find me so irresistible.”

“I won’t do anything,” swears Simon, his eyes wild and un-blinking. “I won’t take any pictures this time. You can hold on to my phone if it makes you feel better.”

The other boy gazes at him, falling quiet as he ponders.

“Okay so, you want this to be your first test, then?” He watches Simon in anticipation. “I’ll spend the night in your bed-”

“On the floor,” Simon corrects him.

“I’m the one who banged my head.” He adds before Simon can object: “...and you can’t touch me, or film me, or creep on me in any way.”

Simon takes in a deep breath.

“I can do that. Really. I just want you to be safe.”

In the end, they never make use of the guest mattress. They remain as they are, Nathan’s slim body closest to the wall and Simon lying next to him, trying to keep a small gap between them and at the same time, not fall out of bed. They are even sharing the same pillow and duvet. Nathan doesn’t seem to mind.

“So, when you say that this is my first test,” muses Simon before reaching for the bed lamp, “how many will there be? Before I can kiss you again?”

The last thing he sees before turning off the light is Nathan smirking at him. He should know better than to expect a straight answer to that question.

After a while, when Simon truly believes Nathan to have fallen asleep, he picks up his soft whispering:

“I’m sorry I called you a necrophile, Barry. I know I hurt your feelings.”

Apparently, some things are much easier said in the darkness. Simon takes the opportunity to reply equally candid:

“I’m not attracted to dead bodies, Nathan. Just yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... How do we feel about this? Should Nathan be more revolted than he is? Is he letting Simon off the hook too easy? What would be a suitable punishment, if he needs one? Let me know what you think :)

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for reading! xx


End file.
